Bloggy McBlog Blog

New York, NY — I clicked on some things today and did I ever get a shock! The internets are full of crap!! CRAP!!! I had no idea. I’ve been struggling so hard, trying to make the internets better as I should since I am the KING OF THE BLOGGERS, but apparently dozens and dozens of other people have been struggling to FILL THE INTERNETS WITH CRAP! I can only imagine the time and effort that has gone into creating all this crap, and the expense of posting it all on the internets. WHY DO THEY DO THIS! Can’t they just leave old cars on their lawns? Why must they inflict their crap on the poor internets?
For instance, there is a web site with videos on it. There must be hundreds of videos. A video of prisoners dancing in A PRISON! A video of Ninjas dancing in A LINE! A video of prisoners IN A PRISON dancing IN A LINE!!!! And there are other videos. Many many videos. Someone must have hired these ninjas. It’s a colossal waste. And yet I can not write even a small check to pay for things at the grocery store because sometimes there is no money in my bank account WHEN THEY TRY TO CASH THE CHECK! How do I know when they will try to cash the check. Must I make sure there is always money in my account? Should I just keep money there just in case maybe today they will try to cash the check? What about tomorrow or the day after that? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT, I ASK YOU?
And yet, if I come home from the store with no groceries I am blamed for that too. I can NOT win! And yet I am KING OF THE BLOGGERS! But there are no dancing ninjas on my site, so some people will ask, how can you be the king if on your site there are no dancing ninjas. On this other site there are dancing ninjas, but on your site, none or almost none. And how about fat lesbians? Can I see dancing fat lesbians dancing in a line in prison on your site? NO YOU CAN NOT!!! Those are bad things that should not be on the internets. No one wants to see that. NO ONE WHO I WANT COMING TO MY SITE! Please do not come here if that is the sort of thing that you want to see.
What will happen when the internets are full of crap? When there is nothing but crap on the internets? We will go to web sites full of crap. We will get crap in our e-mail. We will read crap and look at crap all day long. It will be a LIVING NIGHTMARE that we CAN NEVER HOPE TO AWAKEN FROM!!!! What will we do then?
Will we turn to Bloggy McBlog Blog and say, “Oh, now that the internets are full of crap can you please help us, even though when you were suffering and working so hard for us and for the good of the internets we didn’t do anything nice for you, even though we probably could have?” Is that what we will do?
I won’t be unforgiving. I will do my best. I will try to help. But by then the years of work will have worn me down. My natural good looks will have been replaced by haggardness. I will have unsightly blemishes. I will be unable to control my bladder. More unable. But people will come to my home. Just to be near me. They’ll lean close as I speak in a husky whisper about what can still be done to save the internets. They’ll sit at my feet as I blog, able to type only one or two sentences an hour, and that only if someone helps me press the keys all the way down. They’ll say how terribly terribly sorry they are that they didn’t bring me lunch or a dozen donuts or something when I was hungry back in the past, which IS NOW because I am talking about the FUTURE!!! But then there will be nothing that can be done about what they didn’t do now, because it will be TOO LATE!!!!
Oh, the crap, the crap!!! What will we do?

New York, NY — No, I will not be your president.

New York, NY — One of the candidates for president recently asked that people not protest and disrupt the upcoming political meetings. I have to agree with him or her. I know it may be upsetting to you that I will not run for president, or even vice president, but it is the case. PLEASE DO NOT DISRUPT EVERYTHING IN THE ENTIRE COUNTRY WITH YOUR PROTESTS!!! THAT IS NOT THE WAY TO MAKE ME LIKE YOU!!!
Everyone wants their betters to think well of them. When I was younger and had betters I wanted them to like me too. Sometimes they did. Sometimes they didn’t. When they didn’t I know it was because of stuff they were going through at home, like the passing of a parent or loved one or a messy divorce. I remember one teacher who I liked a lot until I heard her mentioning to another teacher in the hall that someone with the same name as me should probably be institutionalized. Later I found out that her cat had died several years earlier, so that explained a lot.
Here are some things you can do to make people like you, your betters or your worsers:
1) Upgrade them from coach to business class.
2) Don’t CANCEL CHECKS you have written to them JUST BECAUSE THE FIRST BOX WAS EMPTY!!! It might just be a mistake and another BOX WILL PROBABLY ARRIVE SOON!!!
3) Everyone likes cocoanuts.
4) Have sex with them, ONLY IF they find you attractive. If they find you repulsive, don’t have sex with them. It will have the same effect.
5) Take them to the movies, but let them pick the movie. You can pick the snacks. Though everyone likes popcorn. And cocoanuts (see #3).
6) Watch a lot of TV. The commercials will give you lots of ideas of nice things you can do for people. Things you can send them. Cards you can buy with nice things already written in them so you don’t really have to do anything.
7) If you are very fat, please do not go to the mall. The aisles are very narrow. People can’t get past you. It would be a nice thing for those people if you staid home. You shouldn’t be eating the food at the mall anyway.
8) Never insist that someone should have to go get a “real” job JUST TO MAKE MONEY TO HELP TAKE CARE OF THEIR FAMILY!!! Some people have better things to do and it is nicer for those people, if they have a great work to work on, not to be reminded that you might be a little “disappointed” about how things are going, or how many borders you have to take in, or home many times you have to give blood or ANY OF THOSE THINGS WHICH YOU SHOULD DO OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF YOUR HEART!!!
9) Most people like to be reminded that things could always be worse.

Hurley, NY — Many people in the supposed “mainstream” supposed “media” supposedly misconstrued my last post where I refused to refuse to be vice president as a statement that I did want to be vice president. IT IS NOT TRUE! I merely felt it was below me to refuse such a menial job. That does not mean I would do that job. If someone came up to you and said, “We need someone to clean out the drains in the morgue twice a year,” you wouldn’t even dignify that with a response. It is BENEATH YOU, probably. I don’t know. Maybe one of you has that job. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings. Someone has to do it. I’m sorry it’s you. Maybe you’ll be able to get a better job. You should look at the toe tags of the dead bodies. For almost every one of them there’s a job that’s recently been vacated. Or at least there’s a bed in a nursing home or something. You have to KEEP UP WITH THE TIMES. We don’t have time to slow down these days. To spend our time responding to job offers, or showing up for job interviews or filling out job applications correctly or even listening to people screaming at us that we need to get a job and start earning money to help pay for food and housing when clearly since we have those things someone must be paying for them and I have work to do.
My greatest fear is that the media has created such a frenzy around my non-existant acceptance of the vice presidency that someone has already begun printing bumper stickers. Millions of them. Somewhere a recent immigrant has spent his last few precious dollars on printers ink and adhesive backed vinyl and printed my name on the bottom of thousands of bumper stickers, waiting only to see whose name will go on the top. And to the right there will be a little American flag waving in a most unrealistic fashion. Or a picture of a donkey and an elephant in top hats eat dinner together. Some such political symbolism. One country’s symbol is the two-headed eagle. Sure it looks nice, but this creature never existed!!! Is that what their country stands for? Non-existence? I’d hate to live there.
Oh, it’s hard, these politicians are so earnest. But no, I will not be president.

Hurley, NY — Ladies and gentlemen of politics, please do not continue to send me fruit baskets. I do not want to be president. I will not run. I appreciate the sincerity of your CONSTANT PLEADINGS, but I already have a life’s mission, and I can not be side tracked in to being the leader of the free world. This blog must go on, no matter what. If I don’t have the time to work part time at gas station how could I have time to BE PRESIDENT!!!
Of course I am flattered by your courtings. Only the very cream of of society, the smartest and most able, are considered for the presidency. It’s the most important job in WASHINGTON, D.C. But the BLOG WOULD SUFFER.
Just now I received an e-mail from a political guy or something whose name I will not use in this column for fear that the bots from Google — the company that has already tried to destroy me not once, but many times AND FAILED — the bots would miscategorize my post and people would start to find my site with the WRONG search terms, bad search terms, like when Google made everyone who wanted to see movies of FAT LESBIANS come to my site. It is not a site for that. It is a site for this blog. My blog, the blog of me, the King of the Bloggers. And I don’t blog about fat lesbians. Some people might, but I don’t. What would I say about them? I don’t know anything about that. I am not a lesbian fat expert. PLEASE DO NOT FIND MY SITE WITH THESE SEARCH TERMS.
The e-mail says that they need me, that America needs me, and maybe I would consider being the vice presidential candidate. I will not even consider this. I am refusing, but I am only refusing to be the presidential candidate! This other job is beneath me. I won’t even refuse it. On the job of president is worthy of my refusal. After all I am a king! King of the bloggers.

Hurley, NY — I won’t reveal whether or not I have gotten phone calls from both of the MAJOR POLITICAL PARTIES inquiring about my availability as a presidential candidate. Needless to say if I did receive such a call I would say, “But I thought you already had a candidate lined up.”
“Yeah, well, that’s not working out so well, you know,” They would say.
“Well, I’m not interested in politics,” I would tell them.
“It’s not about politics, sir,” They would say. They would be so respectful, even though they were a mover and a shaker in the US Government and possibly past chairman of a SUBCOMMITTEE. “It’s about making America great again. About uniting a divided country.”
“Yeah,” I’d say. “And kicking those fat cats out of Washington. Who’s going to do that, those fat cats down in washington? I don’t think so… No offense.”
“None taken,” they’d say. “America needs you.”
YES, AMERICA NEEDS ME! BUT THE INTERNETS NEED ME MORE! Not just the US, but the world! I don’t have time to be PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES! When would I have time to blog. I don’t remember the current president blogging in a long time. What about the work? What would happen? It’s not good I tell them, but they beg and plead. The voters of America need someone they can trust. Someone who tells it like it is and keeps it real. They need Bloggy! As president!
But I can’t do it, I tell them again. There are tears in their eyes, I assume, though we’re on the phone, when they finally say they understand. They know how important the work I do is, not just to America, but to all the world. They offer me triple frequent flyer miles for all my travels on Air Force One and will even let me transfer my miles from my current airline frequent flier plan. They even offer me six complimentary upgrade vouchers so I can travel BUSINESS CLASS as president. SIX TIMES!!!! WITHOUT USING ANY OF MY MILES!!!! There are some blackout dates, but it’s a good offer. I’m tempted, I have to admit I am, but still, I think as I sit in my office, looking over the stacks of notes I’ve made for future posts, I have a responsibility to the INTERNETS!!!
They try to sweeten the pot. Passes to Six Flags, a company car, $4,000/night prostitutes, unlimited drink refills, but I tell them “No.” AND THAT’S MY FINAL ANSWER!!!!
I WILL NOT RUN FOR PRESIDENT.

New York, NY — At last I can tell the story the world has been waiting to hear. The story of the King of the Bloggers on jury duty. Sworn to secrecy during the case I could tell you nothing of the drama, the suffering, the drama and the other stuff of the trial. No it can all be told.
Listen now to a story of alleged DENTAL MALPRACTICE among foreigners living HERE IN OUR COUNTRY. ALIENS if you will. People whose English is not that good at all. And some of them are dentists. Some of them go to dentists. One of these people has problems with their teeth. They go to another one of these people, one who is a dentist. He, the dentist, DRILLS IN HER TEETH WITH A DRILL! He hollows them out and shoves metal posts into them using cement. MY GOD HE DRILLS INTO HER TEETH!!! And that’s not even what she’s suing about. Can you imagine? He drilled with a drill inside her mouth, down into the roots of her TEETH and that’s not even what she’s mad about.
“Lady,” I said, “Lady, are we to believe that you don’t mind having someone using power tools in your mouth, but THERE ARE OTHER THINGS YOU DO NOT LIKE?”
“Well, but, but…” She said.
“I object,” said some lawyer.
Clearly I would have to solve the case myself.
Imagine if you will. A locked room. A dead body. The only other thing in the room is an elephant. What could have happened? Who could have done this crime? The ELEPHANT? NO! We can not talk about the elephant, so it can’t be guilty apparently. And how do we know he’s really dead?
Only one person can solve this crime! The KING OF THE BLOGGERS and consequently KING OF THE CRIME SOLVERS!!!!

New York, NY — The work, it’s crushing. There’s so much to blog about. So so much. And so little time. Each entry must be hand crafted. It has to be perfect. Because this is the work. The Blog of Bloggy McBlogBlog, KING OF THE BLOGGERS! Did you think I had forgotten? Did you think that the weight of my responsibility to the internets had SLIPPED MY MIND??? It is never slipping from my mind. It is a constant companion to my mind. I am thinking about it all the time. I am thinking about it when I am eating. I am thinking about when I’m lying awake in my bed at night. I am thinking about it when my spouse or significant other is yelling at me about some crap they say I said I would do, but didn’t do, BECAUSE THE WORK IS SO IMPORTANT I CAN’T BE EXPECTED TO BE ON TIME PICKING UP CHILDREN!!!! THEY SPEND SO LONG AT SCHOOL ALREADY, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES SIX MORE HOURS MAKE???
God, my head hurts. It throbs. It’s the ideas trying to get out. They can’t wait for my typing, though my fingers (first fingers on both hands and right middle) fly across the keyboard like a pegasus. There are just too many. And they are all VITALLY IMPORTANT to humanity and THE INTERnets. If I were to lose a single one of these precious ideas it would be like dropping a diamond the size of my fist down a storm drain IN THE MIDWEST during a STORM. I can not do that! I can not let it happen.
There are interruptions. There are distractions. I have to answer phone calls from presidential candidates, begging for my endorsement. I can not be partisan. I am not pledged. I tell them that whoever wins I will be forced to BLOG THE TURTH ABOUT THEM. THE TRUTH AS I KNOW IT. NOT AS SOME LAWYER CAN PROVE IT TO BE IN COURT.
What kind of powers do super delegates have? Can they see through pork barrels? Fly? Bend the law with their bare hands?
I am weak now. Days without sleeping or eating much. It takes a toll.

New York, NY — Imagine if the elephant in the room was an actual elephant. And you really couldn’t talk about it. And what if the room wasn’t even that big? Could you talk about the elephant poop? What if you just said poop and didn’t mention the elephant? “Look out for the unspecified poop!”
And what are the circumstances under which there’s an elephant in the room and you can’t talk about it? An ELEPHANT for God’s sake? I can understand not being able to talk about a dog or a cat. Or not being able to talk about THE SPIDERS! OH MY GOD THE SPIDERS! Or even some other jungle animals like a gibbon (the primate, not the author) or a capybara, but an elephant. As far as I can tell you can always talk about an elephant.
OK, so there’s an elephant in the room. How did the elephant get into the room? Is it a full grown elephant? So the room must have some pretty big doors. Maybe it’s a garage. Or maybe there are just some big French doors. But here’s what I think, it’s a DINING room. The inside portion of a fashionable upscale restruant with outdoor seating, and the whole front is open to the street. So the elephant can walk right in.
So you you’re sitting there eating dinner. Probably You’re using a knife and fork. You have a cloth napkin. Your drink is served in a glass and not in a paper cup. I BELIEVE THERE ARE SUCH PLACES. With no pictures on the menus too. SO HOW DO YOU CHOOSE WHAT YOU WANT TO EAT? And then an elephant walks in through the front. And the waiter comes over, with your COMPLIMENTARY DRINK REFILL because this place is so fancy, and asks you, incredibly politely, “Sir or Madam, if you wouldn’t mind, could you not speak about the elephant please. Restaurant policy.”
Then they throw a blanket over the elephant and keep serving dinner. AND DON’T GIVE YOU ANY SORT OF DISCOUNT ON YOUR DINNER, EVEN IF THE ELEPHANTS BUTT IS POINTING RIGHT AT YOU DURING THE WHOLE MEAL. THAT’S WHY YOU CAN’T TALK ABOUT IT.
But how often does that happen? RARELY, I would think. In New York less often than some places where the streets literally team with rogue elephants, like Tucson or Buenos Ares or Newark. But even there, not so much.
Because fancy restaurant don’t server PEANUTS. Mostly that’s in cheaper bars. But there, the doors aren’t so big.
So, basically, if there’s an elephant in the room with you, don’t let the waiter pressure you into not talk about it. Speak right up. Say, “Hey, look, an elephant. In the room!”

New York, NY — It turns out that there are some things that it’s really better not to know about. For instance, I mentioned earlier in my blogging career that Mel Gibson was an anti-semitic Australian. This is not knowledge that has made me happier. It is a dark dark secret that I learned through my many connections. It is SOMETHING THAT HAUNTS me day in and day out. Every time I watch an Angry Max movie or contemplate moving to Brisbane, where a blogger can be a blogger.
Some things it is just better not to know. Like the things I am learning about on jury duty. Horrible nasty things. Things from the underside of this steamy pressure cooker we call America. Things that people like you and me, or at least ME, because I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU, YOU COULD BE SOME SORT OF CRIMINAL, never encounter in our ordinary lives. Things maybe you see on TV when the cable is working because the bill has been paid.
But the big difference between these things that I am learning and the things that you see on TV is that the things on TV have been PROPERLY EDITED! And no one complains if you get up in the middle to get a diet soda.
And apparently the jurors are not allowed to OBJECT during the trial, though everyone else seems to be allowed to. And I have a lot to object to. A lot.