Bloggy McBlog Blog

New York, NY — One of the candidates for president recently asked that people not protest and disrupt the upcoming political meetings. I have to agree with him or her. I know it may be upsetting to you that I will not run for president, or even vice president, but it is the case. PLEASE DO NOT DISRUPT EVERYTHING IN THE ENTIRE COUNTRY WITH YOUR PROTESTS!!! THAT IS NOT THE WAY TO MAKE ME LIKE YOU!!!
Everyone wants their betters to think well of them. When I was younger and had betters I wanted them to like me too. Sometimes they did. Sometimes they didn’t. When they didn’t I know it was because of stuff they were going through at home, like the passing of a parent or loved one or a messy divorce. I remember one teacher who I liked a lot until I heard her mentioning to another teacher in the hall that someone with the same name as me should probably be institutionalized. Later I found out that her cat had died several years earlier, so that explained a lot.
Here are some things you can do to make people like you, your betters or your worsers:
1) Upgrade them from coach to business class.
2) Don’t CANCEL CHECKS you have written to them JUST BECAUSE THE FIRST BOX WAS EMPTY!!! It might just be a mistake and another BOX WILL PROBABLY ARRIVE SOON!!!
3) Everyone likes cocoanuts.
4) Have sex with them, ONLY IF they find you attractive. If they find you repulsive, don’t have sex with them. It will have the same effect.
5) Take them to the movies, but let them pick the movie. You can pick the snacks. Though everyone likes popcorn. And cocoanuts (see #3).
6) Watch a lot of TV. The commercials will give you lots of ideas of nice things you can do for people. Things you can send them. Cards you can buy with nice things already written in them so you don’t really have to do anything.
7) If you are very fat, please do not go to the mall. The aisles are very narrow. People can’t get past you. It would be a nice thing for those people if you staid home. You shouldn’t be eating the food at the mall anyway. Never insist that someone should have to go get a “real” job JUST TO MAKE MONEY TO HELP TAKE CARE OF THEIR FAMILY!!! Some people have better things to do and it is nicer for those people, if they have a great work to work on, not to be reminded that you might be a little “disappointed” about how things are going, or how many borders you have to take in, or home many times you have to give blood or ANY OF THOSE THINGS WHICH YOU SHOULD DO OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF YOUR HEART!!!
9) Most people like to be reminded that things could always be worse.

Hurley, NY — Many people in the supposed “mainstream” supposed “media” supposedly misconstrued my last post where I refused to refuse to be vice president as a statement that I did want to be vice president. IT IS NOT TRUE! I merely felt it was below me to refuse such a menial job. That does not mean I would do that job. If someone came up to you and said, “We need someone to clean out the drains in the morgue twice a year,” you wouldn’t even dignify that with a response. It is BENEATH YOU, probably. I don’t know. Maybe one of you has that job. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings. Someone has to do it. I’m sorry it’s you. Maybe you’ll be able to get a better job. You should look at the toe tags of the dead bodies. For almost every one of them there’s a job that’s recently been vacated. Or at least there’s a bed in a nursing home or something. You have to KEEP UP WITH THE TIMES. We don’t have time to slow down these days. To spend our time responding to job offers, or showing up for job interviews or filling out job applications correctly or even listening to people screaming at us that we need to get a job and start earning money to help pay for food and housing when clearly since we have those things someone must be paying for them and I have work to do.
My greatest fear is that the media has created such a frenzy around my non-existant acceptance of the vice presidency that someone has already begun printing bumper stickers. Millions of them. Somewhere a recent immigrant has spent his last few precious dollars on printers ink and adhesive backed vinyl and printed my name on the bottom of thousands of bumper stickers, waiting only to see whose name will go on the top. And to the right there will be a little American flag waving in a most unrealistic fashion. Or a picture of a donkey and an elephant in top hats eat dinner together. Some such political symbolism. One country’s symbol is the two-headed eagle. Sure it looks nice, but this creature never existed!!! Is that what their country stands for? Non-existence? I’d hate to live there.
Oh, it’s hard, these politicians are so earnest. But no, I will not be president.

Hurley, NY — Ladies and gentlemen of politics, please do not continue to send me fruit baskets. I do not want to be president. I will not run. I appreciate the sincerity of your CONSTANT PLEADINGS, but I already have a life’s mission, and I can not be side tracked in to being the leader of the free world. This blog must go on, no matter what. If I don’t have the time to work part time at gas station how could I have time to BE PRESIDENT!!!
Of course I am flattered by your courtings. Only the very cream of of society, the smartest and most able, are considered for the presidency. It’s the most important job in WASHINGTON, D.C. But the BLOG WOULD SUFFER.
Just now I received an e-mail from a political guy or something whose name I will not use in this column for fear that the bots from Google — the company that has already tried to destroy me not once, but many times AND FAILED — the bots would miscategorize my post and people would start to find my site with the WRONG search terms, bad search terms, like when Google made everyone who wanted to see movies of FAT LESBIANS come to my site. It is not a site for that. It is a site for this blog. My blog, the blog of me, the King of the Bloggers. And I don’t blog about fat lesbians. Some people might, but I don’t. What would I say about them? I don’t know anything about that. I am not a lesbian fat expert. PLEASE DO NOT FIND MY SITE WITH THESE SEARCH TERMS.
The e-mail says that they need me, that America needs me, and maybe I would consider being the vice presidential candidate. I will not even consider this. I am refusing, but I am only refusing to be the presidential candidate! This other job is beneath me. I won’t even refuse it. On the job of president is worthy of my refusal. After all I am a king! King of the bloggers.

Hurley, NY — I won’t reveal whether or not I have gotten phone calls from both of the MAJOR POLITICAL PARTIES inquiring about my availability as a presidential candidate. Needless to say if I did receive such a call I would say, “But I thought you already had a candidate lined up.”
“Yeah, well, that’s not working out so well, you know,” They would say.
“Well, I’m not interested in politics,” I would tell them.
“It’s not about politics, sir,” They would say. They would be so respectful, even though they were a mover and a shaker in the US Government and possibly past chairman of a SUBCOMMITTEE. “It’s about making America great again. About uniting a divided country.”
“Yeah,” I’d say. “And kicking those fat cats out of Washington. Who’s going to do that, those fat cats down in washington? I don’t think so… No offense.”
“None taken,” they’d say. “America needs you.”
YES, AMERICA NEEDS ME! BUT THE INTERNETS NEED ME MORE! Not just the US, but the world! I don’t have time to be PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES! When would I have time to blog. I don’t remember the current president blogging in a long time. What about the work? What would happen? It’s not good I tell them, but they beg and plead. The voters of America need someone they can trust. Someone who tells it like it is and keeps it real. They need Bloggy! As president!
But I can’t do it, I tell them again. There are tears in their eyes, I assume, though we’re on the phone, when they finally say they understand. They know how important the work I do is, not just to America, but to all the world. They offer me triple frequent flyer miles for all my travels on Air Force One and will even let me transfer my miles from my current airline frequent flier plan. They even offer me six complimentary upgrade vouchers so I can travel BUSINESS CLASS as president. SIX TIMES!!!! WITHOUT USING ANY OF MY MILES!!!! There are some blackout dates, but it’s a good offer. I’m tempted, I have to admit I am, but still, I think as I sit in my office, looking over the stacks of notes I’ve made for future posts, I have a responsibility to the INTERNETS!!!
They try to sweeten the pot. Passes to Six Flags, a company car, $4,000/night prostitutes, unlimited drink refills, but I tell them “No.” AND THAT’S MY FINAL ANSWER!!!!
I WILL NOT RUN FOR PRESIDENT.

New York, NY — At last I can tell the story the world has been waiting to hear. The story of the King of the Bloggers on jury duty. Sworn to secrecy during the case I could tell you nothing of the drama, the suffering, the drama and the other stuff of the trial. No it can all be told.
Listen now to a story of alleged DENTAL MALPRACTICE among foreigners living HERE IN OUR COUNTRY. ALIENS if you will. People whose English is not that good at all. And some of them are dentists. Some of them go to dentists. One of these people has problems with their teeth. They go to another one of these people, one who is a dentist. He, the dentist, DRILLS IN HER TEETH WITH A DRILL! He hollows them out and shoves metal posts into them using cement. MY GOD HE DRILLS INTO HER TEETH!!! And that’s not even what she’s suing about. Can you imagine? He drilled with a drill inside her mouth, down into the roots of her TEETH and that’s not even what she’s mad about.
“Lady,” I said, “Lady, are we to believe that you don’t mind having someone using power tools in your mouth, but THERE ARE OTHER THINGS YOU DO NOT LIKE?”
“Well, but, but…” She said.
“I object,” said some lawyer.
Clearly I would have to solve the case myself.
Imagine if you will. A locked room. A dead body. The only other thing in the room is an elephant. What could have happened? Who could have done this crime? The ELEPHANT? NO! We can not talk about the elephant, so it can’t be guilty apparently. And how do we know he’s really dead?
Only one person can solve this crime! The KING OF THE BLOGGERS and consequently KING OF THE CRIME SOLVERS!!!!

New York, NY — The work, it’s crushing. There’s so much to blog about. So so much. And so little time. Each entry must be hand crafted. It has to be perfect. Because this is the work. The Blog of Bloggy McBlogBlog, KING OF THE BLOGGERS! Did you think I had forgotten? Did you think that the weight of my responsibility to the internets had SLIPPED MY MIND??? It is never slipping from my mind. It is a constant companion to my mind. I am thinking about it all the time. I am thinking about it when I am eating. I am thinking about when I’m lying awake in my bed at night. I am thinking about it when my spouse or significant other is yelling at me about some crap they say I said I would do, but didn’t do, BECAUSE THE WORK IS SO IMPORTANT I CAN’T BE EXPECTED TO BE ON TIME PICKING UP CHILDREN!!!! THEY SPEND SO LONG AT SCHOOL ALREADY, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES SIX MORE HOURS MAKE???
God, my head hurts. It throbs. It’s the ideas trying to get out. They can’t wait for my typing, though my fingers (first fingers on both hands and right middle) fly across the keyboard like a pegasus. There are just too many. And they are all VITALLY IMPORTANT to humanity and THE INTERnets. If I were to lose a single one of these precious ideas it would be like dropping a diamond the size of my fist down a storm drain IN THE MIDWEST during a STORM. I can not do that! I can not let it happen.
There are interruptions. There are distractions. I have to answer phone calls from presidential candidates, begging for my endorsement. I can not be partisan. I am not pledged. I tell them that whoever wins I will be forced to BLOG THE TURTH ABOUT THEM. THE TRUTH AS I KNOW IT. NOT AS SOME LAWYER CAN PROVE IT TO BE IN COURT.
What kind of powers do super delegates have? Can they see through pork barrels? Fly? Bend the law with their bare hands?
I am weak now. Days without sleeping or eating much. It takes a toll.

New York, NY — It turns out that there are some things that it’s really better not to know about. For instance, I mentioned earlier in my blogging career that Mel Gibson was an anti-semitic Australian. This is not knowledge that has made me happier. It is a dark dark secret that I learned through my many connections. It is SOMETHING THAT HAUNTS me day in and day out. Every time I watch an Angry Max movie or contemplate moving to Brisbane, where a blogger can be a blogger.
Some things it is just better not to know. Like the things I am learning about on jury duty. Horrible nasty things. Things from the underside of this steamy pressure cooker we call America. Things that people like you and me, or at least ME, because I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU, YOU COULD BE SOME SORT OF CRIMINAL, never encounter in our ordinary lives. Things maybe you see on TV when the cable is working because the bill has been paid.
But the big difference between these things that I am learning and the things that you see on TV is that the things on TV have been PROPERLY EDITED! And no one complains if you get up in the middle to get a diet soda.
And apparently the jurors are not allowed to OBJECT during the trial, though everyone else seems to be allowed to. And I have a lot to object to. A lot.

New York, NY — I’ve been hand selected by a team of lawyers to be on the alternate jury for a case. I guess that means if they don’t like the verdict they get from the main jury they’ll turn to us and ask what we think. Maybe alternate jurors vote in some new and creative way? I’m going to sing the verdict like a Laurie Anderson thing where she makes some grunty noise over and over again through $300,000 worth of electronic equipment. Only I’m going to do it just using an empty soda can. Because I AM BETTER THAN LAURIE ANDERSON.
Lonnie Anderson too, maybe. I don’t know. I haven’t seen her for a while. She was a big hit in WKRP in Ohio. Mostly, I think because of her boobs, which were large.
Luckily I’ve been assigned to a civil case. The will reduce the stress quite a lot. I would imagine in some of these things they can get pretty mean. It’s like smoking and non-smoking. They ask the lawyers, “How do you intend to behave?” “Oh, I’m going to be a BIG JERK!” “Well, then we’ll put you in the non-civil court.” Probably in the non-civil court there’s chicken wire up everywhere like in a country music bar in Blues Brothers. And the judge can be addressed as “Your honor,” “Judge” or “Jerk-ass.”
I came prepared with my verdict all written down on a slip of paper. That way I’ll be able to use the time in court to continue THE WORK. The slip of paper says “GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY.” I figure if this guy didn’t do this he did something else. Might as well send him up the river. I hope there’s free WiFi in the court room.

New York, NY — Bloggy is doing his patriotic duty this morning. Sitting in the stuffy jury duty holding pen, like some sort of fattened JURY DUTY COW. Waiting for the VOIR DIRE, which is French, like ABATTOIR is French. People sit around waiting to be called. Is there a man with a stun gun in the next room waiting for us? Who knows. THIS IS JUSTICE AT WORK!
They put your name in a drum and spin it like BINGO and pull it out and you’ve won. Won a chance to participate. A chance to sit on a jury so that at the end of a six week trial they can pull a crazed homicidal maniac screaming from the court room that HE WILL MURDER YOU and THE REST OF THE JURIORS if it’s the LAST THING THEY EVER DO for convicting him of issuing counterfeit debentures against dubious holdings in THE CAYMAN ISLANDS!!!! Then one day when you go somewhere stupid on vacation like Cape Fear or Lake Terror or Hills of Death he catches up with you and your VOIR becomes truly DIRE!!
All for $40 a day.
And sitting in the jury selection room isn’t like waiting in the ante-room of Ford’s modeling agency. There are some really fat people here. Really fat. How can they sit on a jury when they ARE SO FAT?
On the vending machines there is a sign saying that the bottled water in the Coke machine is cheaper than the water in the Snapple machine. ARE THE VENDING MACHINES UNDER OATH? Can’t we let them just sit there and vend without requiring them to spill their guts about the past, about the dirty dirty things they used to do? If only that felony conviction hadn’t been overturned I WOULDN’T HAVE TO BE HERE!
All for $40 day. Sure it’s a lot of money. Sure I’d like to be able to earn that much EVERY DAY! But is it worth it? To risk my life for? If it wasn’t worth getting a part time job for, WHY WOULD I PUT MY LIFE ON THE LINE FOR IT?
Inevitably I’ll be sequestered, I just know it. Everyone always is. Happens close to 113% of the time on TV. I’ll end up eat sand dab in a hotel room with Felix Unger. WORSE YET I’ll be the lone hold out of 12 angry men, SOME OF WHOM WILL BE WOMEN, and I’ll have to solve the crime myself in the evening hours with Angela Landsbury and then I’LL CALL A SURPRISE WITNESS: THE SO-CALLED VICTIM who ISN’T REALLY DEAD.
I can’t believe they do this over and over day in and day out. One jury after another. Seems so tiring.

New York, NY — The incredible pressure of my position in the internets is starting to get to me again. Even with my hiatus I am already exhausted. Blogging is not for the weak. It is not something that CAN BE DONE BY PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT STRONG. It is the most demanding job a person can have working ABOVE THE GROUND. Being a salt miner may be worse physically, I’m not sure. But think of the solitude and the time to reflect you would have thousands of feet below the Earth’s surface gathering salt ore to be taken to the salt refinery by a trained donkey who has long ago lost his site, so that he can only find his way through that one dark dark mine that he is used to, so when the mine is all used up, all the salt is gone from it, they have to KILL THE POOR DONKEY. It is really very sad. But you would have all the time in the world to think about the fate of the donkey if you were a miner down there, with your headlight on your hard headhat. Your pick jauntily thrown over one shoulder. It’s too loud to talk to anyone, with all the jack hammers and the donkey’s braying and they stumble around in their blindness. You would just think and ponder. Do donkey’s have souls? You would ask yourself.
But I HAVE NO TIME FOR PONDERING. I can think about the fate of the poor poor donkey, though I am not a cruel person. I must continue blogging. There is not time to stop. Bloggers can never stop. They can never slow down. The world needs them. And I more than most, since I am the KING OF THE BLOGGERS.