Bloggy McBlog Blog

New York — Well, here we are rapping up the first month of Bloggy McBlog Blog. Hard to believe that things could have changed for the internets so much in just one month. If you pick up and magazine or newspaper now you will see an article about the internets or even about blogging. I’ve had that much of an impact.
I thought I would take this time to thank some of the people who have made it possible. People other than me, because that would be pretty egotistical to thank myself in public. Though when I think about how much of the work I have done and about how much more I have had to suffer than anyone else, NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS ABOUT THEIR SUFFERING just because they have to live with me, it seems like everyone else’s contribution to this blog seems pretty tiny. I’m not saying that to belittle people, but just to point out that this blog is the work of me, and not of other people. I do want to thank my family though. Sometimes they leave me alone long enough to get my work done. Sometimes they don’t REMIND ME THAT I AM NOT EARNING AS MUCH AS SOME PEOPLE THEY DATED before.
I would also like to thank the man who runs the little coffee cart on my corner for giving my kids free muffins.
Also the man who used to live in this building and then moved and later got a Hillshire Farms gift basket from some sewer cleaning service, which was left in the lobby all day until it was clear this man was not going to drive back from Connecticut to get it and that it would just rot if no one took it.
I would like to thank the UPS man. He knows what for.
I would like to thank my neighbors, the Weingartners who do not password protect their wireless network access OR plaster over the hole in their door frame where the cable TV goes in and where the cable can be so easily spliced and split and a cable run a few yards under the hall carpet, though occasionally the old lady with the walker and the horrible yipping dog does sometimes trip over the bump.
I would like to thanks the advertisers who advertise on my site, EXCEPT FOR THE ONES SELLING FAT LESBIAN PORN! I DO NOT THANK THEM!
I would like to thank all of you for reading my blog. Though really, it is I who give you something of immense value for nothing. And you do not thank me. But I know that the world is full of rude people with small souls.

New York, NY — I thought that putting ads on my site was an indication that GIANT CORPORATION Google wanted to play nice, but apparently not. I have discovered TWO INDICATIONS that they are continuing their campaign against me. One is the particular ads they are running on my site. They have advertisements for PORNOGRAPHY SITES with contents that include FAT LESBIANS! I do not blog about fat lesbian porn. My readers do not like to look at fat lesbian porn. They are not interested in it. It would make them feel ASHAMED and UNCOMFORTABLE if they were to see fat lesbian porn. I do not hate fat people and I do not hate lesbians. I do not hate fat lesbians. What they do in the privacy of their fat lesbian homes is their own business. It does not concern me what they do, unless they are, perhaps, driving down the street in their fat lesbian car and I am crossing the street and they are talking on their fat lesbian cellular telephone and don’t see that I am crossing the street and when they do look up they honk very loudly at me for a long time and curse as if it is my fault that they weren’t paying attention and that their fat lesbian car came very close to hitting and killing me and they yell out of their window, and consequently into their fat lesbian phone, “Hey, duck head! Watch out!” DUCK HEAD?!? What is that to call someone? Duck head? I do not have a duck head. No one has ever suggested that I have a duck head. I don’t even know what that means. Does it mean I have a duck for a head or that my head looks like the head of a duck? Or perhaps it was a command. I should DUCK MY HEAD AND BOW AT THEIR RETREATING FAT LESBIAN BUMPER!
The other indication is that they are continuing to make people find my site with completely inappropriate search terms! Yesterday someone found my site with “how do bedridden fat people pay for their food?” Google should not make people find my site with terms like that. I do not know the answer to that question. I have not addressed that question in my blog. I DO NOT CONSIDER IT AN IMPORTANT ISSUE. I do not even know how you would research such an issue. That they must pay for their food somehow how is a fact of our capitalist system. Some people produce products, such as yams, Twinkies and RC Cola. Other people consume those products. This is facilitated by the transfer of federally issued currency. I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT. That a person is fat and in bed does not make me more curious about how they get the currency to buy these products, any more than it makes me curious about how many yams and Twinkies they eat or how they prepare the yams or wether they soak the Twinkies in RC Cola overnight and eat them like a protein shake in the morning. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THIS. IT IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS. Clearly the implication is that the fat people are bedridden because they are fat. Maybe not. Perhaps they had a slip and fall accident in a supermarket. A genuine one. BECAUSE SOME SLIP AND FALL ACCIDENTS ARE GENUINE. They are not all scams arranged by the slipper and faller. Though you would think that if a person needed some money, perhaps to spend at that very supermarket, and they needed it enough to pretend to slip on a package of Trix yogurt and fall down and pretend to have shattered their hip, they must really need the money. And more than just $20! AND NO ONE SHOULD BE BANNED FROM A SUPERMARKET THAT IS WITHIN 3 BLOCKS OF THEIR HOUSE. It is too far to walk to the other one and the CVS doesn’t carry all the fancy foods that other people in your family might demand to have, like fruit.
Someone coming to my site to find out about the economics of bedridden fat people would be very disappointed. And perhaps they are doing research for the federal government and consequently wasting tax payer money by visiting my site and not getting any information that is useful to them. Perhaps this is crucial research. Perhaps they want to use the information about how fat people who can not get out of bed get money to buy yams and twinkies and two-liter bottles of RC Cola to solve a serious social problem facing our country, like how a woman with a perfectly good job could spend so much time thinking about how her HUSBAND ISN’T EARNING ENOUGH MONEY. And now that research will be side tracked because that paid government researcher will have to spend their time reading my blog. That one researcher might be happier, might be a better person, but the research isn’t going so well at that point, is it? And who looks like the villian? I DO! AND IT’S REALLY GOOGLE’S FAULT. They are trying to destroy me. I am scaring them. Sometimes I scare myself as well. But that does not make me want to attack myself! I do not tell people to go read my blog if they are interested in finding out about fat people in bed or about fat lesbians. I do not say to people I happen to meet at court or at the emergency room, “Oh, are you interested in things about fat people and their incomes? About what piece of furniture they can not get out of? Well, let me tell you, you should go to bloggymcblogblog.com.” I do not.

New York, NY — Today I learned a valuable lesson. Expect the unexpected. And that’s not easy, let me tell you. You may think that you can do it, but it’s hard. It’s easy enough to pretend that you did expect the unexpected, but saying “Oh, I knew that was going to happen” after whatever it was that happened that wasn’t expected, but that’s just CHEATING! You have to actually expect it. You can’t just accept after the fact that a pigeon will fly into the cab you are driving as a part time job because SOMEONE HAS MADE AN ULTIMATUM ABOUT EARNING MONEY NOW AND NOT IN THE FUTURE and poop on the meter so that the “toll” button will get stuck and everyone who gets into the cab will be forced to pay the toll for going through the Holland Tunnel, even if they don’t want to go through it and so you will have to take everyone through it just to make the meter come out right and eventually you will have to explain the whole thing to A POLICEMAN who will be fat and will be mad at you because though he denies it he has heard of you and knows that some people WHO ARE WRONG think you hate fat people. You have to expect all that to happen. And while you are expecting it to happen you have to also expect it not to happen, which is really much more likely, since once you start expecting it to happen it not happening becomes the unexpected and that’s what you have to expect and pretty soon you just can’t get out of bed, no matter who threatens you with what sort of legal action.
So let that be a lesson to you.

New York, NY — Perhaps to apologize for their constant harassing of me and my blogging project Google is now running advertisements FOR WHICH THEY WILL PAY ME MONEY on my website. I am on my way! There will be no stopping me now. My fortune has begun to amass. Soon no one, NO MATTER HOW MARRIED TO ME will be able to criticize me with words like deadbeat or loafer or fat tub of lard or impotent loser or any of those things. Because now I AM A PROFESSIONAL BLOGGER!
And I will not forget my promise! I will use 1% of all my earnings for the GOOD OF THE INTERNETS. I will not use all my money for buying expensive things like 2 for a dollar ramen noodles and shoes in MY EXACT SIZE and name brand diet soda. I will take ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS of every ten million that I earn here and use it for the good of everyone in this fabulous cyber-world that I am helping to make.
You can count on me. I am not like some people who promise to use their money and power to help others and only use it to help THEMSELVES. I am not like some people who promise other people that when they get a job at a fancy publishing house they will help that other person PUBLISH THEIR NOVEL and then stop returning that other person’s phone calls when that novel turns out to be TOO BRILLIANT. I will not be so afraid that other people will win awards and grants that I will never myself receive that I will not talk to them any more and I WILL NEVER CALL THE POLICE JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE COMES TO MY HOUSE A LITTLE EARLY IN THE MORNING.
Advertising will do all this for me. I will soon be lunching out and walking with my hands out of my pockets because they will be full of cash and I will be wearing GLOVES that will keep my hands warm. There are probably even things that I could buy for the rest of my family that they might want or need.
This all shows that even giant soulless corporations like Google can have souls. They can see the error of their ways and realize that the people that they are trying so hard to destroy might really be the people that they should be advertising with. And as you can see they will only be running the most high quality advertising on my blog because it is only fitting to run such things on the internet home of the king of the bloggers.

New York, NY — Despite my posting yesterday, which was OFFICIALLY ON THE INTERNETS, someone used the search term “Underage Trailer Whore Meltdown” to find my site. Despite the fact that I specifically blogged NOT TO USE THOSE TERMS! What is wrong with the people who use on the internets? Why do they want to read things about trailer whores, especially ones that are not old enough? The whole trailer whores thing IS OUT OF CONTROL! Do not look at trailer whores on the internets. It is not good for you.
I met a man on the street very recently who had once been on the internets and had accidently gone to a site with pictures of that sort on it. He was a very sad and broken man. His face was sunken. “Sir,” he said to me, because he had not lost his sense of politeness along with the other things he had lost from the things he had seen, “Sir, if you get a chance to mention it in your blog, do tell people that dirty pictures are no joke. Tell them that mere arousal is not reason enough for the production of a work of erotica, the way that mere laughter is reason enough for comedy, despite what Susan Sontag may have said. Tell them that the moral and ethical dilemma involved is far more complex than they ultimately realize and involves both our interactions with others and the way we treat people with whom we have no defined relationship, but also how we view ourselves and our expectations from life. Tell them that sexual fantasy is a healthy expression of the human imagination, but pornography is the embracing of the sexual fantasies of others and can be the death of the imagination.” “No, I will not tell them that.” I said, “There will be no reason for me to bring the subject up. My blog is a family blog, friendly to everyone, and there is no chance that I will have to mention anything like that on my site. But thanks for the suggestion.”
How wrong I was. How very very wrong. So wrong. Wrong. I do have to talk about such things because Bloggy McBlog Blog, king of the bloggers, has been sullied by filth. I have been touched by indecency. And it is clearly the fault of one group and one group only. I have mentioned them before and I hate to have to use my power as a internets pundit to point the ACCUSING FINGER at them once again, but I feel I must. GOOGLE IS AT FAULT! They are the ones who index such words as Trailer, Whore and Meltdown. They are the ones that allow people to come to my site from such searches.
It is as if they were the maitre d’ of the internets and someone came to them, a hand subtly extended with a neatly folded dollar bill in it, and said “Please take me to some filth.” And they brought them HERE! TO MY SITE! I have no filth.
How would you feel if a busload of German tourists arrived at your front door one day, wearing shorts and hawaiian shirts, eating melting, drippy eskimo pies, tiny digital cameras hanging from straps around their wrists and asked to see a donkey having marital relations with a laz-e-boy recliner on your patio or in your den? It is the sort of thing that you worry about night and day and NOW IT HAS HAPPENED TO ME!
“Schnell! Schnell! Aus!!” I say to these metaphorical or possibly similary German tourists. “Kommen Sie nicht her, wenn Sie an den Eseln interessiert sind, die Stühle zuviel lieben! Dieses ist ein sauberer Platz! Es gibt KEINE Schlußteildirnen HIER. Es gibt kein Einschmelzen!!”
But to Google, I say shame! Shame! SHAME! You are no better than a tout! In fact you are much worse because when a person wants to see an underage trailer whore meltdown you show them my site AND THEY ARE BOUND TO BE DISAPPOINTED!

New York, NY — On Monday someone found Bloggy McBlog Blog by searching on Technorati.com for “Eroticism.” I feel so dirty now. Listen to me, Public, that is not the way to find Bloggy McBlog Blog! You must only find this site through clean FAMILY FRIENDLY, SAFE FOR WORK search terms. Do not find me through dirty word searches. I do not run a PORNOGRAPHY WEB SITE. Such a thing would be unthinkable.
Here are some word searches that, when used properly, will help you find Bloggy McBlog Blog:

• “Bloggy McBlog Blog”
• “Bloggy McBlog”
• “McBlog Blog”

That’s it! PLEASE DO NOT FIND MY SITE USING ANY OTHER SEARCH TERMS!” It is not meant to be found using search terms that are DIRTY or INACCURATE! That is no way to find my site, typing in terms like “Underage Trailer Whore Melt Down” or “Butts Up, Doc.” Those are terrible search terms.

New York, NY — What the hell is that? Who the hell would want to eat chicken from the sea? Who thinks, “Hey, how can we make our canned fish sound more appetizing? Let’s compare it to chicken, everyone’s least favorite land-based meat!” Talk about stupid. Bacon of the Sea would have been better. Or how about veal of the sea? Too political? Maybe Filet Mignon of the Sea. If that’s too far afield why not, “Fish of the Sea.” Or to add a dash of imagination “Salmon of the Sea?” That would be a clever name for a brand of tuna wouldn’t it?

New York, NY — According to my internets machine some one came to my site after doing a search on Google for the term “I Am Fat.” I am incensed. Either Google thinks that I am fat, which is not the case. Or they think my site is the sort of site that fat people would enjoy. That there is something about my site that would be particularly appealing to overweight people.
I really wanted to let this whole fat thing slide. I was done with it. I might have offended a couple of people with my comments about how enormous fat people got in my way at the mall, but I think I made it pretty clear later on that I DO NOT HATE FAT PEOPLE. But despite that, I DO NOT THINK MY SITE IS OF PARTICULAR INTEREST TO THE OBESE! I welcome them, along with everyone else, but why does Google, A BIG COMPANY, think that fat people would appreciate me more than anyone else? WHY, I ask you?
Could it be that Google, in fact, hates fat people. I think this is the case. They send these people to my site because they want them to be insulted by my posts. But Google, I have something to say to you, I DO NOT HATE FAT PEOPLE. I will not insult them. My site is for all peoples, skinny, fat, bald, pert-breasted, all people! I will not be your BAD COP and insult the fat people you send to me. I will not do your DIRTY DIRTY work and make people fee bad because YOU DO NOT LIKE THEM GOOGLE!
Don’t feel bad fat people. Google is not a nice search engine, clearly. You can search on Yahoo, or maybe you would enjoy asking Jeeves, who is himself slightly portly. And you are always welcome here, because Bloggy McBlog Blog is not just the king of the skinny bloggers, he is the king of all bloggers!

New York, NY — Seems my post from yesterday has raised quite a stir. People have been writing in non-stop. Some people ask “Why do you hate fat people so much? It seems so cruel and petty. They’re just like you and me, just fatter. Maybe they have medical problems, maybe they have just grown up accustomed to a very poor diet and little or no regular exercise. And I’ve seen you, you’re no Tommy Tune yourself.” Others write to say, “I noticed that you hate fat people. Should I also hate fat people?”
To both these groups of people I say, I DO NOT HATE FAT PEOPLE. I was just in a rush to get to the movies and the fat people were in the way. If they had been less fat I would have gotten where I was going on time and been able to see the movie. As it was, the fat people took up so much space that I couldn’t get around them and missed my chance to see the movie. But I do not hate them. No. Your gentle blogger is a forgiving soul. I understand that these people do not realize how much space they take up. And the designers of the maul (I continue to use the clever term for mall that I myself coined) did not realize when they designed it that they were designing it for people whose girth was so great that they could easily be two or three people wearing the same belt and walking together.
I imagine a scene like this: “Mr. Boss Architect, how many people should be able to walk down the corridor in this mall (they had not yet heard my clever pun that would soon be sweeping the nation.)” “Well, assistant, I think nine or ten would be good. And remember that every few feet there will be a booth selling cell phones or cell phone accessories or accessories for your cell phone accessories.” “Well, people generally have a circumference of about 40 inches. So, this will be just wide enough.”
Well, at this maul that isn’t half big enough.
But I don’t hate the fat people. I’m not a hater. I’m king of the bloggers.

Hurley, NY — I went to the mall today. I don’t know what I was expecting to find. America perhaps. Maybe expired over the counter medications on special at the drug store. Whatever it was, I didn’t find it. I found something, but whatever it was, it was very corpulent.
Let me be the first to make the clever pun of calling the Mall the Maul. It’s very funny because the two words sound the same, but have different meanings. The meaning of maul sort of alludes to some of the negative qualities of the shopping mall, though it’s a pretty tenuous comparison. Still it’s the sort of little play on words that MAKES BLOGGING THE HIGH ART THAT IT IS. People think it’s all emoticons and rtflmao, but it’s not. It’s clever little things like calling a mall a maul that require a BACHELORS DEGREE IN ENGLISH or its equivalent.
The maul is full of fat people. They move in little slow clumps, grunting and stopping to look at cell phones. The little fat people scream for the bigger fat people to buy them things that will make them fatter. Eventually they all end up at the food court. You might think that a food court would be the sort of place that a fat person would avoid. They would stay away from it, hoping that the food judge wouldn’t sentence them to thirty-six months of penal servitude without the option for their relentless vampiric gluttony. You would think that they would be afraid of having to look the rest of the world in the face and admit to shoving down hundreds of thousands of calories a year that might have otherwise gone to feed starving rail think children with eyes like saucers and hearts as pure as gold.
Instead the food court is a place where every kind of feed is served in large portions and has only two rules. One is that there can be nothing healthy sold there and two there can be no table service. Anything else goes.
The fat people line up in long lumpy queues and buy plastic trays loaded down with transfat soaked burritos, bioengineered hot dogs that squirt out their own mustard if you squeeze them just right, and salt-covered pretzels that are dampened in root beer dipped in a ten gallon bowl of gummy bears, coated with six inches of beer batter and then deep fried before be slathered with lard and dusted with confectioners sugar. That’s called a combo meal at one of the places in the food court called “Garden of Eaten’” which claims to be a health food chain and bears the smiling faces of Mahatma Ghandi and Little Richard on its sign.
Next to that there’s a Chinese fast food place that will stir fry anything you bring in and server it over fried rice with an egg roll. The maul customers bring them bags filled with old comforters, baby shoes and shredded credit card bills. Everyone also gets a diet soda.
Moving between the identical soul destroying white tables in the food court are gray market surgeons who offer obese diners low cost liposuction or gastric stapling. Some of them go as far as to offer to put the customers on the waiting list for transplant organs now, for a price, of course. There’s also a vending machine that sells insulin on the far wall. The food court as a “No Diabetes” section, because of state law, but no one ever sits in it.
You would think I would find all this disheartening.
But I am reminded that there are really only two groups of people you can abuse endlessly in public with no fear of reprisals. Two kinds of people you can torment and belittle and put down in the press, on TV, on the radio and on the internets and no one will ever jump to their aid. Muslims and fat people.
Perhaps if I had, today, gone to the grand bazar in Istanbul I would be writing about Muslims. But I didn’t. It was too far away. So fat people it is. And I don’t think Muslims would have crowded up the maul so much and made it hard for me to get to the movie theater, making miss the matinee prices. Given the choice of enormous morbidly obese people milling about in large shuffling groups and an equal number of non-obese Muslims, I would think the Muslims would be a far lesser hinderance to my being able to get from the Sears to the Multiplex in a reasonable amount of time.
Someday I will be able to afford movie tickets during regular show times and fat people won’t be as bad. But for now, I had to watch the HD demo DVD in Radio Shack. Some day all those fat people will pay.