Bloggy McBlog Blog

New York, NY — Once and for all, world, Bloggy McBlog Blog is absolutely not for sale. No matter how much money I am offered, no matter which vivacious starlet calls me personally at home from the set of her new show on Fox, no matter how many fruit baskets they send me, I WILL NOT SELL. The world NEEDS THIS BLOG as it is, NOT AS A PLACE FOR CORPORATE AMERICA TO SHILL THEIR PRODUCTS. It is a place for the King of the Bloggers to write the truth and for my legions of loyal readers to read it!

The fruit baskets pile up in the hall and the neighbors complain about the flies, but how can I consider selling out to any of the media billionaires who have sent them when I know THAT I MUST CONTINUE THE WORK? I sit here at my desk, covered with my neatly penned notes, hundreds of volumes of research materials, newspapers from around the world, carefully marked and indexed and post-it notes, everywhere post-it notes, like little square flags of confusion, aching for the touch of sunlight, but I must keep working. I can not stop for a moment. And they ask me to sell out. To sell the DREAM!?! What could money buy me? The internets need me.

And what do they offer me? Real money? No they offer their fake sudo-money. Their KDollars. What would I do with them? Shop at K-Mart? Buy a K car? What good would 700 KDollars do me? I don’t live near a Circle-K or need to buy tickets to see music legends KC and the Sunshine Band.

So I continue the work. The internets need me and the bloggers need their king, Bloggy McBlog Blog, King of the Bloggers.

New York, NY — There is something very wrong with the internets. I am not referring to the terrible slowness that makes a simple photo of something tastefully erotic take so long to down load. Nor am I referring to the sheer number of Viagra and penis enlargement advertisements I must respond to each day with a polite “no.”

I am referring to pictures of cats with words on them. THE WORDS ARE NOT ON THE CATS THEY ARE ON THE PICTURES. There will be a picture of a cat who has recently been run over by a motor vehicle and there will be words on the picture saying “I r in ur steet bein’ krush’d 2 deth by truck.” The grammar of these cats is terrible

These pictures are variously referred to as “lolcats” or “macro cats” or “cheeseburgers” or “diggs” or some other crazy crap. There are many of them. There’s the one with the little kitten and the other one with the gray cat. There are dozens. AND THEY NONE OF THEM SUPPORT THE TROOPS! NOT AT ALL!

This is not what the internets are for. They are not for pointless pictures of cats who CAN NOT EVEN USE THE INTERNETS EVEN IF THEY CAN SIT ON THE KEYBOARD OR ON TOP OF THE MONITOR OR LOOK AT THE SCREEN AS IF THEY WERE USING THEM!!! It is not right to use up the internets on these pictures.

If everyone who made one of these pictures were to take the same amount of time to maybe work in a gas station or as a fry cook they maybe could earn a little money. They could then go out and buy groceries, food, clothing. EVERYONE WINS!

I can not think of anything on the internets that is a greater danger to our way of life, to our children’s well being than pictures of cats with words on them. ON THE PICTURES NOT ON THE CATS! The only thing I could think of that would be worse would be pornography, if that was on the internets.

All mothers want to hire the very best nanny they can, even if they don’t want to have a nanny. Many will hire a nanny and then ask that nanny to watch the cat or just stare at a cup of water on the kitchen counter because in reality THEY HAVE NO CHILDREN!!! THEY ARE JUST “MOTHERS” IN THE SENSE THAT THEY ARE NOT FATHERS!!! And so they read part I and part II of this series of blog entries and find out how to hire a nanny. They find out how to find this nanny, to negotiate a salary, benefits and movie rights. Then there is the one question that is still hanging in the air. The one THEY MUST HAVE THE ANSWER TO IF THEY ARE TO READ THIS FAR INTO MY ARTICLE!!! How do they keep the nanny from having hot sex with their husband?
This is almost impossible. Imagine you are watching a movie. In the movie one of the Baldwin brothers plays a father. Some actress who was in a Sit Com in the 1980s plays his wife. His children are played by children. Another of the Baldwin brothers, IN DRAG!!! plays his mother. Scene one just establishes the scene. The kids are a little out of control. Diane from Cheers complains that being a happy homemaker is not satisfying enough, she wants to go back to work. She gets a job as a secretary in a hilarious used car lot run by the handyman from One Day at a Time. Not Mr. Roper, the handyman from One Day at a Time. Well, half way through the first reel in comes whomever is Drew Barrymore these days. She’s the new nanny.
Now at this point you know that Drew and Baldwin X are going to be doing something besides rinsing dinner glasses before too long. You just know it! Meanwhile the handyman guy is all over Diane and suddenly Woody walks in, though now he’s played by the kid from Lost in Space, all grown up. He’s all like “Diane, why did you leave that baseball playing guy? He’s all said and stuff. And Fraser’s got another show, and it doesn’t look that good.”
So what, as a mother, can you do?
First off, forget about not hiring a good looking nanny. Men just don’t care that much.
And don’t put secret little cameras all over the house. Those things are like a big neon sign screaming “HEY YOU!! HAVE ILLICIT NOOKY!!” Who doesn’t want to get into one of those video collections with people who are caught on tape? There are actors, and I’ve heard the Baldwin brothers mentioned, who are waiting in line to be in something like “CAUGHT AT THE OFFICE IV, ALL GIRL!”
But there are things you can do.
1) Plan on coming home early three or four days a week. Throw the front door open and scream “CAUGHT YOU YOU LYING SCUM BAG! GET THE HELL OFF OF HER!” Even if you don’t catch them the first few times, eventually it will work. The only issue can be if you have a nervous dog, like a poodle or a labradoodle or papadoodle or pickamoooky or some crazy thing like that. It might just fall over dead.
2) Teach your children to spy on your husband. In turn he will teach them to lie to you, so they learn a lot of useful stuff.
3) Hire your ex-husband, dressed as a fat old lady, as your nanny. Even if your current husband does get somewhere with him, the jokes on them!
4) Beat him to the punch by having hot girl-girl action with her yourself.
5) Stay home and take care of the kids and send the nanny to your job.
6) Stay home and watch the nanny and send the kids to your job.
7) Go to work, but take the nanny and kids with you.
Go to work, take the kids, meet the nanny at lunchtime and have her go back to your office with the kids, you go home.
9) Go to work, take your husband, at lunch he gets the kids and takes them to his job, you and the nanny have the afternoon off.
10) You, the nanny, your husband and your neighbors kids all go to your job. Your kids stay with your neighbors nanny. This best part of this is that you don’t have to pay her, the neighbors do! So the jokes on them.