The Agony and the Extra Tea
God, you can’t imagine the incredible suffering I go through on a daily basis. You can’t. There’s no way you could. Imagine a pine marten down your pants. I dare you. That’s the kind of suffering that might bring you up to a level where you could imagine what it’s like to be me. I’m telling you this.
You may say, “Mr. McBlog, how can it be that one of your greatness suffers so much?”
“Please, call me Bloggy,” I say. I don’t really mean it, because though I am humble, I know showing me respect is something you do for yourself and for society as a whole.
“No, I couldn’t,” You say. You sense that it would be wrong to be so familiar. You are right.
“Alright then.” I say. We stand there. We are awkward. I begin to get hungry. I am thinking of lunch AND BOTH OF US HAVE ALREADY FORGOTTEN YOUR QUESTION!!!!!
And then what should I have for lunch? If I ask you, you might take it as an invitation. I’m not sure I want to have lunch with you. Not really. ESPECIALLY NOT IF I HAVE TO PAY!! THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS PAY FOR LUNCH! But I can’t stand there all day waiting for you to leave. I need my lunch.
And when you finally do leave and I call to order lunch the guy on the phone can’t get my order right. I make every effort. I read from the menu listings in Chinese, “Little squiggly thing, like a yam with cross hatching, then what might be a goat or something,” I say. He says they only have pizza. I say I want a pizza with little pizzas all over it AND HE SAYS HE READ ABOUT THAT IN THE ONION!
THE ONION!!! THE ONION STOLE THAT IDEA FROM ME!!! I AM KING OF THE BLOGGERS! I INVENTED THAT! And he won’t make it either. He says it’s not possible. I say that if I was there I’d show him what was possible or not. He suggests some things which, though possible, I would not enjoy at all and I end up going to Subway for an foot long sandwich which turns out to be NOT EXACTLY 12 INCHES LONG and also to taste like crap.
Sometimes I wish for the icy fingers of death.