Bloggy McBlog Blog

Hurley, NY — I won’t reveal whether or not I have gotten phone calls from both of the MAJOR POLITICAL PARTIES inquiring about my availability as a presidential candidate. Needless to say if I did receive such a call I would say, “But I thought you already had a candidate lined up.”
“Yeah, well, that’s not working out so well, you know,” They would say.
“Well, I’m not interested in politics,” I would tell them.
“It’s not about politics, sir,” They would say. They would be so respectful, even though they were a mover and a shaker in the US Government and possibly past chairman of a SUBCOMMITTEE. “It’s about making America great again. About uniting a divided country.”
“Yeah,” I’d say. “And kicking those fat cats out of Washington. Who’s going to do that, those fat cats down in washington? I don’t think so… No offense.”
“None taken,” they’d say. “America needs you.”
YES, AMERICA NEEDS ME! BUT THE INTERNETS NEED ME MORE! Not just the US, but the world! I don’t have time to be PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES! When would I have time to blog. I don’t remember the current president blogging in a long time. What about the work? What would happen? It’s not good I tell them, but they beg and plead. The voters of America need someone they can trust. Someone who tells it like it is and keeps it real. They need Bloggy! As president!
But I can’t do it, I tell them again. There are tears in their eyes, I assume, though we’re on the phone, when they finally say they understand. They know how important the work I do is, not just to America, but to all the world. They offer me triple frequent flyer miles for all my travels on Air Force One and will even let me transfer my miles from my current airline frequent flier plan. They even offer me six complimentary upgrade vouchers so I can travel BUSINESS CLASS as president. SIX TIMES!!!! WITHOUT USING ANY OF MY MILES!!!! There are some blackout dates, but it’s a good offer. I’m tempted, I have to admit I am, but still, I think as I sit in my office, looking over the stacks of notes I’ve made for future posts, I have a responsibility to the INTERNETS!!!
They try to sweeten the pot. Passes to Six Flags, a company car, $4,000/night prostitutes, unlimited drink refills, but I tell them “No.” AND THAT’S MY FINAL ANSWER!!!!
I WILL NOT RUN FOR PRESIDENT.

New York, NY — At last I can tell the story the world has been waiting to hear. The story of the King of the Bloggers on jury duty. Sworn to secrecy during the case I could tell you nothing of the drama, the suffering, the drama and the other stuff of the trial. No it can all be told.
Listen now to a story of alleged DENTAL MALPRACTICE among foreigners living HERE IN OUR COUNTRY. ALIENS if you will. People whose English is not that good at all. And some of them are dentists. Some of them go to dentists. One of these people has problems with their teeth. They go to another one of these people, one who is a dentist. He, the dentist, DRILLS IN HER TEETH WITH A DRILL! He hollows them out and shoves metal posts into them using cement. MY GOD HE DRILLS INTO HER TEETH!!! And that’s not even what she’s suing about. Can you imagine? He drilled with a drill inside her mouth, down into the roots of her TEETH and that’s not even what she’s mad about.
“Lady,” I said, “Lady, are we to believe that you don’t mind having someone using power tools in your mouth, but THERE ARE OTHER THINGS YOU DO NOT LIKE?”
“Well, but, but…” She said.
“I object,” said some lawyer.
Clearly I would have to solve the case myself.
Imagine if you will. A locked room. A dead body. The only other thing in the room is an elephant. What could have happened? Who could have done this crime? The ELEPHANT? NO! We can not talk about the elephant, so it can’t be guilty apparently. And how do we know he’s really dead?
Only one person can solve this crime! The KING OF THE BLOGGERS and consequently KING OF THE CRIME SOLVERS!!!!

New York, NY — The work, it’s crushing. There’s so much to blog about. So so much. And so little time. Each entry must be hand crafted. It has to be perfect. Because this is the work. The Blog of Bloggy McBlogBlog, KING OF THE BLOGGERS! Did you think I had forgotten? Did you think that the weight of my responsibility to the internets had SLIPPED MY MIND??? It is never slipping from my mind. It is a constant companion to my mind. I am thinking about it all the time. I am thinking about it when I am eating. I am thinking about when I’m lying awake in my bed at night. I am thinking about it when my spouse or significant other is yelling at me about some crap they say I said I would do, but didn’t do, BECAUSE THE WORK IS SO IMPORTANT I CAN’T BE EXPECTED TO BE ON TIME PICKING UP CHILDREN!!!! THEY SPEND SO LONG AT SCHOOL ALREADY, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES SIX MORE HOURS MAKE???
God, my head hurts. It throbs. It’s the ideas trying to get out. They can’t wait for my typing, though my fingers (first fingers on both hands and right middle) fly across the keyboard like a pegasus. There are just too many. And they are all VITALLY IMPORTANT to humanity and THE INTERnets. If I were to lose a single one of these precious ideas it would be like dropping a diamond the size of my fist down a storm drain IN THE MIDWEST during a STORM. I can not do that! I can not let it happen.
There are interruptions. There are distractions. I have to answer phone calls from presidential candidates, begging for my endorsement. I can not be partisan. I am not pledged. I tell them that whoever wins I will be forced to BLOG THE TURTH ABOUT THEM. THE TRUTH AS I KNOW IT. NOT AS SOME LAWYER CAN PROVE IT TO BE IN COURT.
What kind of powers do super delegates have? Can they see through pork barrels? Fly? Bend the law with their bare hands?
I am weak now. Days without sleeping or eating much. It takes a toll.

New York, NY — Imagine if the elephant in the room was an actual elephant. And you really couldn’t talk about it. And what if the room wasn’t even that big? Could you talk about the elephant poop? What if you just said poop and didn’t mention the elephant? “Look out for the unspecified poop!”
And what are the circumstances under which there’s an elephant in the room and you can’t talk about it? An ELEPHANT for God’s sake? I can understand not being able to talk about a dog or a cat. Or not being able to talk about THE SPIDERS! OH MY GOD THE SPIDERS! Or even some other jungle animals like a gibbon (the primate, not the author) or a capybara, but an elephant. As far as I can tell you can always talk about an elephant.
OK, so there’s an elephant in the room. How did the elephant get into the room? Is it a full grown elephant? So the room must have some pretty big doors. Maybe it’s a garage. Or maybe there are just some big French doors. But here’s what I think, it’s a DINING room. The inside portion of a fashionable upscale restruant with outdoor seating, and the whole front is open to the street. So the elephant can walk right in.
So you you’re sitting there eating dinner. Probably You’re using a knife and fork. You have a cloth napkin. Your drink is served in a glass and not in a paper cup. I BELIEVE THERE ARE SUCH PLACES. With no pictures on the menus too. SO HOW DO YOU CHOOSE WHAT YOU WANT TO EAT? And then an elephant walks in through the front. And the waiter comes over, with your COMPLIMENTARY DRINK REFILL because this place is so fancy, and asks you, incredibly politely, “Sir or Madam, if you wouldn’t mind, could you not speak about the elephant please. Restaurant policy.”
Then they throw a blanket over the elephant and keep serving dinner. AND DON’T GIVE YOU ANY SORT OF DISCOUNT ON YOUR DINNER, EVEN IF THE ELEPHANTS BUTT IS POINTING RIGHT AT YOU DURING THE WHOLE MEAL. THAT’S WHY YOU CAN’T TALK ABOUT IT.
But how often does that happen? RARELY, I would think. In New York less often than some places where the streets literally team with rogue elephants, like Tucson or Buenos Ares or Newark. But even there, not so much.
Because fancy restaurant don’t server PEANUTS. Mostly that’s in cheaper bars. But there, the doors aren’t so big.
So, basically, if there’s an elephant in the room with you, don’t let the waiter pressure you into not talk about it. Speak right up. Say, “Hey, look, an elephant. In the room!”

New York, NY — It turns out that there are some things that it’s really better not to know about. For instance, I mentioned earlier in my blogging career that Mel Gibson was an anti-semitic Australian. This is not knowledge that has made me happier. It is a dark dark secret that I learned through my many connections. It is SOMETHING THAT HAUNTS me day in and day out. Every time I watch an Angry Max movie or contemplate moving to Brisbane, where a blogger can be a blogger.
Some things it is just better not to know. Like the things I am learning about on jury duty. Horrible nasty things. Things from the underside of this steamy pressure cooker we call America. Things that people like you and me, or at least ME, because I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU, YOU COULD BE SOME SORT OF CRIMINAL, never encounter in our ordinary lives. Things maybe you see on TV when the cable is working because the bill has been paid.
But the big difference between these things that I am learning and the things that you see on TV is that the things on TV have been PROPERLY EDITED! And no one complains if you get up in the middle to get a diet soda.
And apparently the jurors are not allowed to OBJECT during the trial, though everyone else seems to be allowed to. And I have a lot to object to. A lot.

New York, NY — I’ve been hand selected by a team of lawyers to be on the alternate jury for a case. I guess that means if they don’t like the verdict they get from the main jury they’ll turn to us and ask what we think. Maybe alternate jurors vote in some new and creative way? I’m going to sing the verdict like a Laurie Anderson thing where she makes some grunty noise over and over again through $300,000 worth of electronic equipment. Only I’m going to do it just using an empty soda can. Because I AM BETTER THAN LAURIE ANDERSON.
Lonnie Anderson too, maybe. I don’t know. I haven’t seen her for a while. She was a big hit in WKRP in Ohio. Mostly, I think because of her boobs, which were large.
Luckily I’ve been assigned to a civil case. The will reduce the stress quite a lot. I would imagine in some of these things they can get pretty mean. It’s like smoking and non-smoking. They ask the lawyers, “How do you intend to behave?” “Oh, I’m going to be a BIG JERK!” “Well, then we’ll put you in the non-civil court.” Probably in the non-civil court there’s chicken wire up everywhere like in a country music bar in Blues Brothers. And the judge can be addressed as “Your honor,” “Judge” or “Jerk-ass.”
I came prepared with my verdict all written down on a slip of paper. That way I’ll be able to use the time in court to continue THE WORK. The slip of paper says “GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY.” I figure if this guy didn’t do this he did something else. Might as well send him up the river. I hope there’s free WiFi in the court room.

New York, NY — Bloggy is doing his patriotic duty this morning. Sitting in the stuffy jury duty holding pen, like some sort of fattened JURY DUTY COW. Waiting for the VOIR DIRE, which is French, like ABATTOIR is French. People sit around waiting to be called. Is there a man with a stun gun in the next room waiting for us? Who knows. THIS IS JUSTICE AT WORK!
They put your name in a drum and spin it like BINGO and pull it out and you’ve won. Won a chance to participate. A chance to sit on a jury so that at the end of a six week trial they can pull a crazed homicidal maniac screaming from the court room that HE WILL MURDER YOU and THE REST OF THE JURIORS if it’s the LAST THING THEY EVER DO for convicting him of issuing counterfeit debentures against dubious holdings in THE CAYMAN ISLANDS!!!! Then one day when you go somewhere stupid on vacation like Cape Fear or Lake Terror or Hills of Death he catches up with you and your VOIR becomes truly DIRE!!
All for $40 a day.
And sitting in the jury selection room isn’t like waiting in the ante-room of Ford’s modeling agency. There are some really fat people here. Really fat. How can they sit on a jury when they ARE SO FAT?
On the vending machines there is a sign saying that the bottled water in the Coke machine is cheaper than the water in the Snapple machine. ARE THE VENDING MACHINES UNDER OATH? Can’t we let them just sit there and vend without requiring them to spill their guts about the past, about the dirty dirty things they used to do? If only that felony conviction hadn’t been overturned I WOULDN’T HAVE TO BE HERE!
All for $40 day. Sure it’s a lot of money. Sure I’d like to be able to earn that much EVERY DAY! But is it worth it? To risk my life for? If it wasn’t worth getting a part time job for, WHY WOULD I PUT MY LIFE ON THE LINE FOR IT?
Inevitably I’ll be sequestered, I just know it. Everyone always is. Happens close to 113% of the time on TV. I’ll end up eat sand dab in a hotel room with Felix Unger. WORSE YET I’ll be the lone hold out of 12 angry men, SOME OF WHOM WILL BE WOMEN, and I’ll have to solve the crime myself in the evening hours with Angela Landsbury and then I’LL CALL A SURPRISE WITNESS: THE SO-CALLED VICTIM who ISN’T REALLY DEAD.
I can’t believe they do this over and over day in and day out. One jury after another. Seems so tiring.

New York, NY — Once and for all, world, Bloggy McBlog Blog is absolutely not for sale. No matter how much money I am offered, no matter which vivacious starlet calls me personally at home from the set of her new show on Fox, no matter how many fruit baskets they send me, I WILL NOT SELL. The world NEEDS THIS BLOG as it is, NOT AS A PLACE FOR CORPORATE AMERICA TO SHILL THEIR PRODUCTS. It is a place for the King of the Bloggers to write the truth and for my legions of loyal readers to read it!

The fruit baskets pile up in the hall and the neighbors complain about the flies, but how can I consider selling out to any of the media billionaires who have sent them when I know THAT I MUST CONTINUE THE WORK? I sit here at my desk, covered with my neatly penned notes, hundreds of volumes of research materials, newspapers from around the world, carefully marked and indexed and post-it notes, everywhere post-it notes, like little square flags of confusion, aching for the touch of sunlight, but I must keep working. I can not stop for a moment. And they ask me to sell out. To sell the DREAM!?! What could money buy me? The internets need me.

And what do they offer me? Real money? No they offer their fake sudo-money. Their KDollars. What would I do with them? Shop at K-Mart? Buy a K car? What good would 700 KDollars do me? I don’t live near a Circle-K or need to buy tickets to see music legends KC and the Sunshine Band.

So I continue the work. The internets need me and the bloggers need their king, Bloggy McBlog Blog, King of the Bloggers.

New York, NY — There is something very wrong with the internets. I am not referring to the terrible slowness that makes a simple photo of something tastefully erotic take so long to down load. Nor am I referring to the sheer number of Viagra and penis enlargement advertisements I must respond to each day with a polite “no.”

I am referring to pictures of cats with words on them. THE WORDS ARE NOT ON THE CATS THEY ARE ON THE PICTURES. There will be a picture of a cat who has recently been run over by a motor vehicle and there will be words on the picture saying “I r in ur steet bein’ krush’d 2 deth by truck.” The grammar of these cats is terrible

These pictures are variously referred to as “lolcats” or “macro cats” or “cheeseburgers” or “diggs” or some other crazy crap. There are many of them. There’s the one with the little kitten and the other one with the gray cat. There are dozens. AND THEY NONE OF THEM SUPPORT THE TROOPS! NOT AT ALL!

This is not what the internets are for. They are not for pointless pictures of cats who CAN NOT EVEN USE THE INTERNETS EVEN IF THEY CAN SIT ON THE KEYBOARD OR ON TOP OF THE MONITOR OR LOOK AT THE SCREEN AS IF THEY WERE USING THEM!!! It is not right to use up the internets on these pictures.

If everyone who made one of these pictures were to take the same amount of time to maybe work in a gas station or as a fry cook they maybe could earn a little money. They could then go out and buy groceries, food, clothing. EVERYONE WINS!

I can not think of anything on the internets that is a greater danger to our way of life, to our children’s well being than pictures of cats with words on them. ON THE PICTURES NOT ON THE CATS! The only thing I could think of that would be worse would be pornography, if that was on the internets.